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Greetings from San Antonio!
It's hard to believe how quickly the first month of 2002 has gone by….February, the "month of love", is now upon us and we wish each of you a Happy Valentine's Day!
Congratulations!
All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. --Leo Tolstoy
We are absolutely thrilled to report that January was a wonderfully busy month with five bundles of joy joining their new families- we hope this sets a trend for the year ahead!!!! Congratulatory wishes are extended to: Howard and Mindy……...Jenna Elizabeth Steve and Claudia……….Miguel Allen Randy and Linda………..Daniel Charles Christine………………..Nickolas Kevin Josef Eric and Janet…………..Ella Reese
Meet our Staff…
In the eighth part of our series introducing A.S.A. staff members, I'd like to introduce Deborah Guzman, A.S.A.'s Adoptive Applicant Representative…
Hello! My name is Deborah Guzman…I've been with ASA for almost twelve years. I enjoy speaking with prospective adoptive families and sharing my knowledge about the many services ASA offers via the domestic and international programs. I also make myself available to "work together" with my co-workers in assisting with matching cases and receiving intake calls from prospective birth mothers.
My fiancée, Fernando, and I have a five month old son, Fernando Jr. We enjoy visiting with family and friends and often entertain people in our home. We love to venture out to the many State parks and lakes Texas has…
Each and every person I come in contact with gives a new meaning and purpose in my position here at the agency. I look forward to speaking with you in the future…
One Family's Story
The soul is healed by being with children. --Fyodor Dostoyevski
My husband and I had waited about seven months before we were matched to a birth mother. We spent the time slowly getting the nursery together. When we got the call, I remember telling my mother-in-law, who lives with us. We held hands and jumped up and down in the middle of the kitchen. After about a day of elation all I could do was worry - what if the birth mother changes her mind, what if the baby isn't healthy, is she doing everything she should or shouldn't…
The birth mother, Rachelle, and I decided to talk every Sunday evening at 7PM. She went for her first ultrasound after our first phone call and found out that she was expecting twins. We talked about her doctor's visits, raising children, our families and our jobs. I was surprised at how well we hit it off. I wasn't expecting to actually like her. I felt that she was sweet, caring, and of course courageous. Even though I always felt better after talking to her, all my concerns still haunted me. Normally, I'm the easiest going person I know, but I was so nervous that my hair literally started to thin out.
Unfortunately, one of my fears was confirmed. One Sunday evening, she said that she felt some contractions. It was too soon in the pregnancy, but she had a doctor's appointment the next day. I asked if I could call her the following night. She said OK and still seemed fine with the adoption. But when I called the next three nights, she was not home. Nikki Lopez at ASA called me the following day and said that they didn't have good news. Everyone was fine but Rachelle had decided to keep the babies.
I was devastated and in shock. After crying for a solid day, I was ready to talk and Nikki was there for me. I also found that writing everything down helped. I became more analytical about it and tried to figure out if I did anything wrong or if I didn't see "the signs". Nikki and I both felt that because Rachelle did not take advantage of the counseling, that she was not fully prepared to go through with the adoption. I did not contact Rachelle. I thought I would just make things worse, especially if there was a chance that she'd change her mind again.
About five weeks went by. I prayed everyday for the twins and Rachelle's other two children. My husband and I began to fill out the application forms for an international adoption through ASA and I was finally feeling like myself again.
Then we got a call from Rachelle. She said that she had made a mistake. To make a long story short, ASA had the girls placed with us five days later. Rachelle explained that since the babies had to be rushed to another hospital, she only had two minutes to say good-bye. Her father was there right after the delivery and was "happy for her". Friends had bought her gifts for the babies. Even if she had been more resolved in her decision, her friends and family didn't accept the adoption plan.
They say that a woman doesn't remember the pain of labor. I don't feel the pain I went through when I lost our girls. I don't feel anything but gratitude toward Rachelle when I look at those beautiful babies. I know she had to do what she did. Katie and Rachel's adoption will be finalized in March, but I know they're our girls now, they always were. --Mary Ellen and Jason
The Heart of the Matter
During the conversations I have on a regular basis with waiting families in the domestic program, one topic that is commonly addressed is the subject of your "Adoptive Parent Profile". For families recently accepted into ASA's "Parents-in-Partnership" program, compiling their Adoptive Parent Profile is typically their primary focus.
Additionally, families who have been in the program several months or even a year or two may inquire about suggestions for updating or revising their original profile. With this in mind, I've recently put together a summary of hints, suggestions, and general "do's and don't's". Deborah Guzman will begin providing this brief hand-out to newly admitted families, but I thought it might be helpful to include the information in the monthly newsletter so that, if you've been contemplating making some changes to your current profile, you'll have some guidance. I hope it's helpful……
Creating Your Profile
Most prospective adoptive families intitially find that creating their profile (presented to birth parents who are in the process of choosing an adoptive family for their child) can be an overwhelming and nerve-wracking experience…Many families wonder where to begin and how to encapsulate their lives on paper in a way that will allow the true spirit and essence of their family life to be accurately communicated.
First and foremost - allow the A.S.A. staff to guide you through this process, and be assured that we'll gladly offer suggestions, advice, and ideas about ways in which you might make your profile unique, eye-catching, genuine, and terrific!
Your adoptive parent profile is composed of three elements:your photographs, "Dear Birth Parent Letter", and De-Identified Profile (often referred to as "De-Id"). This information is shared with birth parents during the process in which they choose a family for their baby.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you begin creating your profile…
"DO'S"
DO include lots of photos - but choose the photos carefully and make them relevant to the spirit of your profile. For instance, if you wish to show that you have a large, close-knit extended family, one group shot is sufficient. Too many group family shots (of people too numerous to name) will not be relevant to birth parents, and will take up too much space in your captions if you endeavour to list each individual's name.
Think carefully when choosing photos for yor profile; you'll want to avoid including shots that include you drinking alcohol, smoking, etc. Also, when choosing photos of your home, it's not necessary to show every room - leave out photos of the bathroom/toilet, etc.
Birth parents do enjoy seeing photos of what will be the nursery, even if it's not completely decorated yet. If you're waiting until after you bring the baby home to finish up the nursery, you might consider sharing your decorating plans, ideas and themes in the body of your profile. Some families have even included pictures they've clipped from magazines that will be their inspiration when decorating the baby's room.
DO include photos in the body of your "Dear Birth Parent" letter. It's a great idea to include a family/couple/individual (whichever applies to you) photo on the first page of the "Dear BP" letter and print your names in a large, friendly font at the top of the page…(i.e. "Dan and Sarah"); this allows the reader to: see your photo, note your name, and read about you all at the same time! Make sure to sign your names at the end of the letter.
When writing your "Dear BP" letter, begin the letter with the most appealing information about yourself. For example, if you happen to be an "older" adoptive parent, DON'T begin the letter with a statement of "Our names are John and Susan, we're fifty-five and forty-five years old". As when meeting someone for the first time (in person), you'll want to "put your best foot forward" when introducing yourselves to birth couples.
DO begin your profile with current, recent photos of your family. If you want to include a wedding photo, or a picture of you when you first met (or even childhood or baby photos), save those for later in the profile and limit the number you include. DO think of creating your profile as telling a story…the story of who you are and how you began your journey to building your family through adoption. It's not necessary to include many specific details about dates, places, names of many family members - keep it simple, keep it succinct.
DO be CREATIVE! The style of your profile immediately sets the tone for informing the reader about your personality and lifestyle. Active, busy, and playful families tend to have colorful, picture-packed, cheerful profiles, while reserved, warm, and thoughtful families tend to create profiles in less vibrant hues using classic colors, traditional fonts, and beautiful stationary…these aren't meant to be stereotypes, just patterns we tend to see over time. Give thought to the message you want to send about who you are and what type of parents you'll be to a child - don't try to be something you're not in an effort to be selected. It's never necessary to do this, as the true beauty of identified, semi-open adoption is that a birth parent will choose your family out of many because of the information that drew her to you, as shared in your profile.
While your particular religion, age, or family composition will be provided to birth parents in your De-Identified profile and may indeed be important factors they consider, more often than not we hear from birth parents that the reason they selected a particular family is simply because the family "looked happy".
If you're already Mom and Dad, DO mention/explain if children in your family are adopted or biological.
DO pay special attention to the way in which you word your responses on the last section of the De-Identified profile (the part that asks about your plans for continued contact). Birth parents pay extra attention to this section, as the majority of birth parents who place their child for adoption wish to have continued contact with you through the years, via A.S.A.. They understand the parameters of A.S.A.'s semi-open adoption program and want to read your thoughts about the ways in which you plan to follow-through on all post-placement requirements for contact (photos and letters), as well as the type of relationship you are open to building your match.
"DON'Ts"
When writing to prosepctive birth parents, don't use terminology that is not adoption friendly, such as "giving away your child".
DON'T explain that the reason you chose to pursue adoption is because you "could not have a child of your own" - the child you adopt WILL be your own child, and it's important for birth parents to know that you will love and care for their baby as your "very own".
DON'T hand write the captions for your photos, unless you happen to have wonderful penmanship. I recommend using a reader-friendly font (not too small, not too large, and be careful with cursive fonts that can be difficult to read) with a computer. Typewriter print doesn't typically emit warmth, and avoid using ALL CAPITALS when composing your captions.
It's recommended that you avoid hand writing your responses in your De-Identified profile, as well, and instead consider re-doing this document on your computer, matching fonts with the one used in the body of your "Dear BP" letter. Choose any format you wish to present the information contained in your De-Id, just be sure that all required information is present.
DON'T put your profile in a large notebook. The ten sets of your profile that you submit to the agency should be bound in a format that will enable it to be easily mailed to birth parents in a standard Federal Express envelope. Consider binding it with plastic rings, colorful ribbons or raffia, or even using regular school-supply type folders - feel free to be creative in this respect, but make sure your profiles are not too large and bulky.
When making color copies, always keep your original photos from which to make future copies. Copies of copies render poor quality photos. A.S.A. strongly suggests you avoid scanning photos for use in your profile, as overall, the copies are grainy and unclear. It's best to attach your original photos to the paper you plan to use, include your captions, etc. then color copy from there using a copy store machine. Before making copies of your profile to be used by A.S.A., it is strongly recommended that you submit a "draft" of your profile so that it may be reviewed before the final product is rendered. Please send your draft by traceable mail, especially if you're including original photos, and send to the attention of Denise Garibay, Director of Social Services.
This is not meant to be an all-inclusive guide to creating your profile, simply a collection of some of the most important tips we thought important to share with you, based on years of experience, and the opportunity to see a variety of wonderful profiles that were positively received by birth parents. Have fun working on your profile - while you're creating it, enjoy the time you're spending on it, as its an important step in your adoption journey…imagine the joy that will fill your lives after your baby joins the family!
Remember to keep a copy of your profile for your child's scrapbook - won't it be great to show him or her how much love, preparation, and planning was poured into the building of your family! Please don't hesitate to call or e-mail with your questions, comments, or feedback…..I always enjoy hearing from you!
Warm Regards, Denise Garibay, M.A.
Director of Social Services
The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were not limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. --Helen Keller